The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert – Stephan Elliott (script)

Mitzi. I’ve never been to me.
Heckles from the crowd, and eventually someone throws an empty beer can at her head. Felicia comes out to help Mitzi up.
Felicia. Are you okay?
Mitzi. Yeah.
Mitzi goes to the dressing room, leaving Felicia on stage.
Felicia. Oh well that was fucking charming you gutless pack of dickheads! Heckler. Oh fuck off you tallentless dog!
Felicia. What was that?
Heckler. Show us your pink bits.
Felicia. No, I don’t think I will. Now do you know why this microphone has such a long cord? So it’s easily retrieved after I’ve shoved it up your arse!
2. Hotel dressing room
Felicia. What the fuck’s going on out there tonight? Are you hurt? Alright, which one of you bitches shat on my breasts?
A very glamourous phone is placed in front of Tick."Tick darling, it’s for you"
Tick. Hello?
Woman’s voice. Ding Dong! Avon calling. Howdy sunshine. Long time no hear.
3. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR FLASHBACK.
A doctor rips off his surgical mask and hands it to the nurse.
Doctor. Where?
Nurse. Emergency Ward A
Door fling open as he see’s Mitzi, done up in ellaborate drag.
Doctor. Mr Belrose?
Mitzi. Yes.
4. HOTEL DRESSING ROOM.

Woman’s voice. So how about it?
5. ON STREET
Fights are going on, and it is raining
6. BERNADETTE’S APPARTMENT
Phone rings and a manly hand picks up the reciever.
Bernadette. (crying) Yeah?
Tick. Bernadette, it’s Tick. Sorry to call you so late, but I…. Hey are you okay?
Bernadette. No, I’m not.
Tick. Whats the matter?
Bernadette. Trumpet just died.

7. CEMETARY
Group of people, including drag queens, and others, for Trumpet’s funeral.
Following funeral.
Bernadette. It’s not fair. I’ve spent half my life and all my life savings trying to snag a sympathetic husband and the selfish shit goes and dies on me.
Tick. Twenty five years old and he goes and slips in a bathroom.
Bernadette. He didn’t slip. He was peroxiding his hair at home again and he asphyxiated on the fume.
Tick. I’ve got to get some space. I’ve been offered a job out of town…
Bernadette. That’s nice.
Tick. Why don’t you come with me? I need some help and I think we could both use the break.
Bernadette. You’re not wrong. Where is it?
Tick. Alice Springs.
Bernadette. You’ve got to be fucking joking.
8. TICK’S APPARTMENT.
Tick is demonstrating a gaudy arrangement of facial products to a potential customer.
Tick. Wo-man is a unique range of specialty facial products designed for the more…….heavy duty woman
in all of us. Now this week… phone rings excuse me.
Bernadette. How long is the run?
Tick. Four weeks. Equity Minimum, two shows a night, accomodation included.
Bernadette. I can’t just sit around here crying all the time. Jesus. My mascara keeps running, I look like a raccoon.
Tick. Good girl. That’s the spirit.
Bernadette. Here’s hoping the desert is big enough for the two of us…
Tick. Ahhhh Three of us.
9. TICK’S APPARTMENT
Adam. Singing.
A desert Holiday
Let’s pack the drag away.
You take the lunch and tea
I’ll take the ecstasy.
Fuck off you silly queer
I’m getting outta here.
A desert Holiday
Hip hip hip hip hooray!
Bernadette. Why?
Tick. Why not? Look, he’s turned into a bloody good little performer.
Bernadette. That’s right. A bloody good little performer. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I thought we were getting away from all this shit!
Adam. Two’s company three’s a party Bernadette my sweet.
Bernadette. We’re unplugging our curling wands and going bush, Felicia. Why would you possibly want
to leave all this glamour for a hike into the middle of nowhere?
Adam. Do you really want to know?
Bernadette. Desperately.
Adam. Well, ever since I was a lad, I’ve had a dream. A dream that I now, finally, have a chance to fulfil.
Bernadette. And that is?
Adam. To travel to the centre of Australia, to climb kings canyon, as a queen, in a full length Gautier sequin, heels and a tiara.
Bernadette. Great, that’s just what this country needs. A cock in a frock on a rock.
Tick. Oh get back in your kennels, both of you. Now the first thing we have to work out is how we’re going to get there.
10. CITY STREET.
Adam climbs down off a silver bus
Adam. Taa daaa What do you think?
Tick. When do we have to return it to the school?
Adam. We don’t. We own it.
Tick. What?
Adam. I met some nice sweedish tourists called Lars, Lars and Lars, and coaxed it out of them for ten thousand bucks.
Bernadette. But we can’t afford it.
Adam. Well, that’s right. Grabs a bottle of champagne and looks at it admiringly. Mummy, maybe
a trip to the outback would help me get over this little phase I’m going through. I hereby christen this budget barbi camper "Priscilla, Queen of the desert."
Smashes bottle on roo bar of bus.
Bernadette. That’s got to be the understatement of the century
12. TICK’S APPARTMENT
WO-MAN Products are being stuffed into bags.
13. BERNADETTES APPARTMENT.
An enormous shoe collection.
14. ADAM’S APPARTMENT
Adam argues with his mother about what he will take.
15. CITY STREET OUTSIDE HOTEL
Cuts to start of the Epic Jog across the continent, and also to the Bus, as it is preparing to leave.
The crowd at the bus is overpowering the small crowd starting the jogger.
Bernadette. Ladies, Start your engines.

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